and the gut feeling that you get at the worst times
It is 1:22 am...there are people outside my apartment complex screaming, throwing bear bottles, and spinning their tires out on the concrete. In addition to that, I have a gut feeling about something really bad and I can't sleep. Rejection and Replacement has to be one of the worse feelings in the world. When nothing goes right and then you find that you are slowly being replaced by someone else...is the worse thing possible in my opinion. Probably worse than being spit on. It is the fear of rejection and replacement that makes you bend over backwards and go against what everyone else says just so you can prove them wrong. I guess it is a jealousy thing or something. Imagine that your car or computer had feelings and emotions. Generally most cars and computers would have friendly disposition. But imagine the hurt and the pain that they would feel when ever you bring that new car and have to push the old one to the curb and tell it that it is not "good enough" anymore. Fortunately these objects do not have intelligence or feelings. But don't you sometimes feel that way?!? Of course you do! There have been times when ever that person that you love says stuff about other guys that you know you have, but they just over look.
I have an interesting story. An old chum of mine from high school who was one of the most authentic and traditional guys I know, liked this girl. The situation was this: The boy was quiet, extremely smart, and was the best friend you could ever ask for. The girl was very popular, smart but not as smart as the guy, had an awesome voice, and was a pretty good girl in general. For about a year he had a crush on her. During this time she had dated many guys and had some bad breakups. Of course my friend would always be there for her. He would bring her flowers, take her shopping, and do just anything a girl could ever dream of. Often times they would come close to dating but then some guy would come along and seduce her into thinking that he was a great guy. My friend would get a call from her every time at the beginning of the relationship with her bragging and saying that this was the one. She would push him away (or I guess you could say put him in the closet) until she got her heart broke again and then come running back. It was so ridiculous because she would always say that all she ever wanted was a guy that treated her right. To everyone else it was so apparent of the awesome person that she had. Toward the end of that year when he was slowly drawing away from her he said that he just felt like some old legacy piece of computer equipment. When ever something broke he would be called upon to save the day. But as soon as everything was fixed then he would go back in the storage shed. He also said that it was the most exhausting year of his entire life. The funny thing was that people made fun of this guy for always being with her and caring for her. Even his mom and her mom came to him and told him that he needs to let her go and move on, she is just not going to be the one.
Of course my friend had never had a girl friend in his entire life except for what ever relationship you could call with this girl. He told me that when ever you are that close and feel that strong about someone, you can't just drop them or leave them alone. At that time I supported him but I thought he was also crazy. I was too immature to really understand what he was going through even though up to that point I had at least seven ex-girl friends underneath my belt. But upon this very night I now am really starting to understand what he was kind of going through as I look back upon it. I only hope that God will give me as much strength as he gave my friend if and when I have to go through something of that nature.
By the way, that was roughly 2-3 years ago. Now they are going to different schools, but they are in the same town just a few minutes from each other and they are actually serious about each other.
Anyways, back to the topic. One of my biggest fears is being replaced in anything. I guess I kind of take it personally as a way of being rejected and sending a message to me saying that I am not sufficient or sub-par. It invokes feeling of fear and un-easiness that is just something that I can't take. It kind of reminds me of an old country song back from the mid 90's. I could not find the lyrics on the internet but it goes a little something like this: A man is sitting there looking towards something and singing: "that is my house and my wife. That’s my kids playing in the backyard, but that is not my car in my drive, who is this strange man, running my life." Seriously, that probably has to be the worst thing in the world is when ever your wife, or significant other starts replacing you.
Even though my ex-GF and I have broken up and are just friends now, it still brings me to my knees every time I think about her interacting with other guys. Most people at this point are going to say that I am still attached to her and blah, blah, blah, just the way the moms did up above. I feel like my friend did...when ever you get that close to someone, even though you might just be friends now, there is still some spark inside that strikes up enough emotions to make me strong enough to pick up a car or to run out into on coming traffic just to save that person. My favorite part about our relationship was when you see the protective instinct that has been bred into your blood lines for centuries come out when ever you don't even realize it. I refer to this all the time as the protective instinct. Generally I think that most people would never throw their life down for someone else unless they had great value to them. In the beginning that is how I realized that this relationship was going to be different from the start. Now I guess we are at what might be the end and yet I still have the same feelings that are not going to disapear.
This is everything that I want to say right now but I’ll let other people do it:
“Despite everything I've achieved in my life, the culinary awards, the military commendations, the honorary degrees, I have never, ever lost sight of what's truly important. The thing that gives meaning to these triumphs. Someone to share them with. A companion. A help mate. A wife.”
Diane Frolov and Andrew Schneider
“You'll discover that real love is millions of miles past falling in love with anyone or anything. When you make that one effort to feel compassion instead of blame or self-blame, the heart opens again and continues opening.” Sara Paddison
“True love does not come by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” Jason Jordan
"I would rather risk my heart to the possibility of pain, than to never feel love again. To live without love merely exists. There is no greater pain than that."
Anita Heck
"We all want to fall in love. Why? Because that experience makes us feel completely alive. Where every sense is heightened, every emotion is magnified, our everyday reality is shattered and we are flying into the heavens. It may only last a moment, an hour, an afternoon. But that doesn't diminish its value. Because we are left with memories that we treasure for the rest of our lives."
-Unknown
"To reprimand our own needs is to deny our own self-identies existance."
Best Wishes, Joshua Price
P.S. in that song the worse part is when he knows she is replacing him but she lies about it and what she is doing!