It is so wierd how dreams that you have or maybe even moments in the past stick with you and never go away. I've come back for the summer and am sleeping in the bed that my ex and I use to sleep in at night and each and every night I have dreams about us and battle with restless sleep. Even when I just lay down memories automatically come back which put me in a depressed mood. Is that sad? Here it is not even a year later (9 months to be exact) and she is off married and I'm still single and all alone.
I worked a lunch shift today and when I got home I felt completely void of feeling. I had been stuck inside all day dealing with people so I went out and sat on the lawn gazing at the water and just think about where I'm at. For some reason I must have a chemical imbalance in my body because I've been feeling down for the past month and this particular stream of thoughts drove me deeper into a place that I wish I didn't go. I hate being down but it seems like that is all that I've been the past couple of months.
In all actuality my life has really been an uphill battle since I left last August. With my Ex and I seperating and me being in a completely new enviroment it was tuff as hell for me. As the year went on I think things got harder. After awhile I started telling myself that everything was going to be ok as soon as I move back for the summer. I was going to get a lot done and focus on getting myself in better shape both mentally and physically. So far though, this summer has done a complete 180 and is exactly opposite of where I want to be. Nothing is going as planned and I'm lonelier or as lonely as I was during fall and spring. I keep trying to convince myself that things will get better but I've been waiting for this prophecy to come true since August and I'm getting tired and losing hope. I really don't know how much longer I can take feeling like this.
Best wishes, Josh