Wow, it has been unbelievably long since I have written on this thing. Thinking upon the purpose of this thing, it was to fill a vent or a stress relief outlet. Kind of like when you have that special someone to talk to and share things with. Well thats what this is for me. Now that I have lost that someone it is back to the blog....ha ha sad and dysfunctional, I know. I am now at FSU. I have friends here, but it seems no one that I can really talk to.
I guess there is no way to really write out the emotions of one human being. One moment of emotions I think could easily fill most of the libraries in the world. Well....I have noticed something. When you date someone for a long time I think you transform yourself if you are truely in love with them. Not as far as who you are...but in the level of self-confidence. Or maybe is it just me?!?! Now that I am single for the first time in lets see umm...10- or 11 months (but feels like 2 years) I am wallowing in self-pitty because at this point I really don't know what to do. Wait it out see if something is going to happen? Or go out and try to patch my self up with another girl, which just might end up tearing me even more than before?
I have always been optimistic about love. Especially with this relationship because this is the closest I have ever been to anyone, ever before. All my friends said that she was the one and we thought so too! But I guess time marches on and so do people. People change and people grow. But at this point I find myself on the verge of an obsessive pestimistic nature because of the situation that I am in now. I mean the past two serrious relationships I have been in have ended in heart break. The first one was terrible. This one hasn't been as bad, but we were so close that it made it hard. But this brings me to a juncture that I never wanted to be at...what is the point of love? I understand the comitment and fufilment and that is something that I dream of. And I see a lot of my friends with wonderful relationships...its just I am in a state of shock and disbelief. The only reason that I hate this after break up period of time is because to get through this you have to be really selfish and focus on yourself. After the last serious relationship it took me almost a year recover to my original form of self-confidence.
I think the hardest thing to get over though is what I call the "protection" instinct. She said to me when we talked tonight that if she saw a christian guy that appealed to her that she wouldn't think second about talking to him. I know that some people are going to think of me as crazy but that bugs the crap out of me. I know that I have to let go, but I just can not stand to see her with another guy. Technically I wouldn't see her and I probably wouldn't know about it since I'm so far away but just the thought of it kills me and drives me crazy.
Anyways, I have class in the morning and I'm really tired. This has been a messy blog but they should get better along with my confidence...hopefully.
Best Wishes, Josh