Catching up to today, from past events
As I got home today I realized that it has virtually been forever since I have written in my blog. There have been several reasons for this. Its not because I'm getting tired of typing or making all of my personal life exposed to the entire world...its just that I have not had the time at all. My new class and work schedule is kinda crazy.
Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I get up at 5am and go to the gym till 7:30 and take a shower and get ready there. nine a.m. I have calculus which is an extremely hard class. The teacher is O.C.D. and cannot stand for anything to ever be dirty or messy, including your work and his class room. From class I go to work until five p.m. After that I usually have bible study or some other activity to go to. On Tuesday and Thursday, I go into work around 7:30 a.m. and work until 4 pm where I then go to accounting class till late. After that I always have something planned so I usually don't get home till quite late. As you can see, there isn't much time for anything else except for a relationship with a girl friend and barely anytime spent with friends.
Since the last time we socialized, only one major event has happened. During the last two nights of the college bowl serries I had friends over both nights for cookouts. By nature, I really like doing these things because they are a great chance for friends to bond together. Unfortuneatly that is not what happened. The first night went pretty good except for S (I will use the first letters of everyones names for identity protection), who is generally negative in all aspects of his thinking and is not thankful for hardly anything. I have to give you a setting for you to understand the chain of events. All the people that come both nights are part of a cirlce of friends that we have all been in for a VERY long time. We are very outgoing and charismatic around eachother usually. The people that came were S, G, M, B, C, and myself. Well the first night was very good except for S was kind of acting a little imature and he would not include anyone in on his conversations except for M. Anytime he did extend outside this circle it was negative and condoning. He also was not very appreciative and didn't say thanks for all the things I provided. I just let it go the first night.
The second night was when things were kind of hairy. Almost everyone brought something to help with the food except for S, like normal. So, I just dismissed it. After we got done eating everyone thanked me except for him. Everyone also said how good it was except S. Later on that night I was sitting on the coach with G, who is one of my best friends. So I was kidding around with him and so I put a pillow on him and put my head on it. Over the course of the night S was acting the same way he did last night. At that point S started making really stupid and immature comments about me and so all of this frustration about him had built up in him and so I got pissed, sat up, threw a big pillow hard and hit him right in the face, and said, "I can't fucking help it if you are insecure with your sexuality and I am."
At that point everybody was shocked with mouths hanging to the floor. Then, S gets up and says, "M, you can get a ride home with G." He then says this to me as he walked out the door, "You need to learn how to take a fucking joke." Normally, I can take a lot of joking around as long as it is not negative, but you really can't tell his joking from him being an ass hole. I mean at this point I was just like come one. All of us are atleast 20 years old, can you not please act like adults. I mean I could see this happening to a big group of girls but I mean guys?!? Come on.......I mean all of us have been very close friends since seventh grade....and here we are at twenty years old and S still hasn't grown up and learned to be positive yet. I don't know about you, but I want my friends to be uplifting when I hang out with them, not bring me down and that is exactly what he is doing. The way I feel about it is that if you can sit there and be negative about everything then you have some serrious problems. What really stinks is that S has been my best friend for a really long time and he was the first friend that I had when I moved into this town in sixth grade. I don't know what has happened but I mean over the past two years S has turned into something very, very wierd that I cannot even begin to describe. I basically mean that he is not himself anymore and a part of me misses him, but on the other side I'm just like he can continue to do what he is doing and get no where with the attitude that he has. At this point I have no clue what is going to happen with our friendship. Only time will tell....
Other than that, there has been nothing really exciting going on in my life. I'm going on a Walk at the end of January (this is a religious retreat that has very powerful and moving effects). I am looking foward to that because it is going to get me away from things and I think set me up to answer a big question that has been in my mind for almost a year. I feel like I've reached another cross roads in my life where I have to make a decison on whether I want to give my career up to God or not. I am a pretty good christian but I am a control freak and natrually I have a hard time giving up things. The last thing that I have left to turn over to him is my future career. For a long time it has puzzled me about why I don't just lay it down but a week ago my girl friend hit the nail right on the head. "I think you are afraid that what God has planned for you is not where you want to be and you are going to be disapointed by it." In all actuality that is the truth. I have this vision in my mind of my future and thats where I want to be, but what I am afraid of is that is not going to be God's will, and I'll be disapointed at where he puts me. If this seems over simplified, thats because it is. There are tons more considerations going through my mind. The desire of my heart is to lay it down but its the controling side of my brain that tells me to hold onto things. I've always told people that the longest journey in life is 18 inches...the distance between your heart and your mind...and now that couldn't be a clearer statement of the predicament that I am in. I am also forever thankful for my G.F. because everytime I look into the light that is in her face I get encouraged and I know that she is often times God's messenger to me because of the free access that she has to my heart. At this point I am forever greatful of all the great lessons and gifts she has given to me.
The rainy day part in the title comes in here but I have written so much am in a better mood that at this point I don't feel like looking back. All I can say is that something kind of bad happened to me while at work today, not having to do with job security, but having to do with my actions. I am in a bad mood but will probably write about it later.
Best wishes, Joshua Price