Wow, after two semesters off at school at FSU and I finally get a chance to recollect at what has happened and what I have I really got accomplished. In all actuality I really haven't changed or learned that much over the past year. The only positive thing that I think has happened is that my brother and I have gotten a lot closer. When ever we were younger we were so different that we didn't really get along that well and in fact never really bonded at all. But since we both moved to Tallahassee and he has gotten maried he has changed and become a better person. Every week we would get together and either play tennis or do something together. Since family and quality time are a big priority this really helped me get through the tough times while I was off at school. Actually, Jon was there for me more times than my so called "Frat" brothers. What really stinks is that they are moving from tallahassee so next year I'm not going to have really anyone to hang out with. Anyways...
But this summer is going to be different. Instead of just working my ass off and then surounding myself with one girl I'm going to do and accomplish things that better myself. I guess it could be considered a little selfish but in a way it's not. I'm honestly really tired of depending on a relationship for confidence. Ever since I broke up with my last long relationship in September of '05 I really have not had that much confidence in myself and have tried to fill the void by putting somebody else there. This is soooo dysfunctional and even I know this, but putting words into actions in circumstances like these is the hardest thing, personally. I keep telling myself that I'm going to force myself to meet new people and to go out...but the more I think about it the more I come to a realization that I don't really know how. What am I going to do, go out to a club by myself? Around here, that is the easiest way to meet girls and I'm not going to do that by myself, especially only being 20 and not being able to buy girls drinks. That is just kind of wierd. But honestly if I don't go out, then I'm going to be stuck in the same miserable position that I'm in now. I'm happy but I feel like I'm in a rut in my life and I'm having a hell of a time digging myself out. I know I've said this before but I think I am really destined to be single. There are atleast 18,000 girls at FSU and I couldn't even really find one of them that I really like or liked me. From an outsiders perspective you have to be thinking that there is something wrong. Either this guy is a creep or he looks like shit, or something....But honestly I have tons of "just" friends that are girls but I can never take it to any level further. I mean you would think that out of that many girls that there would atleast be one. Maybe I give off this vibe of unattractiveness or something. I think one problem is that I do have standards and I don't like hitting on girls. Especially at bars or clubs. I guess it kind of has to be a mutual thing but I can't stand it when other guys are just bugging the shit out of girls, just trying to get in their pants. Or maybe it is the psychological part played by the girls. Its not that I'm not trying to get with them, its just that I personally believe the way that other guys pursue girls is kind of barbaric. From my experience of talking with girls, they seem to believe this same ideology but yet they embrace it in full form and play this stupid game like it is an embeded mating ritual dating back for millions of years. I perceive it as putrid process that is numing at best. I can't help it that I was brought up on standards. It's kind of funny the way I look at it because me and my close friends are a league of dying gentlemen. A class that was once common place in America, that in fact turned us into a prosperous, hardworking nation that we once were. We were men that stood for honesty, integrity, and hard work. We valued family morals and ethics and placed them at the center. We did what we had to do for the bennefit of our neighbors and everyone else in this country. But know liberalizing efforts have drowned us into unacceptable "culterized" behavior that is demeaning to our well being. A close friend of mine brought up something that is very perplexing. He said imagine if Mozart or Bethoven were alive and saw what we had turned music into or if our founding fathers were still alive and saw what a monstrouscity the United states has become. Granted, I do support modern movements and the progression of society as a whole but he did have a valid and nerve racking point. We are vastly becoming a nation that has no central theme or alliance to bring us together. It is always this race versus that race. Or, man versus female...I'm sure that we can all insert our individual daily battles. My point that I am trying to create here is that what ever happened to us? The nation in general. I don't even know what to say that can really justify The U.S. except for stupidity and ignorance. And the epic conclusion is, "what can I as an individual do to change it?" Some would say get involved in politics while others would say join a religion. All of these have their pros and cons and are in no way the means to an end. I'm already involved in my own faith and politics in America is just ungodly at this point. Really, does anyone have a solution?
I try so hard to believe that God has a "soul mate" out there just for me but the more I think about it and try to use logic the less of a reality it becomes. It would be hard to find a soul mate let alone find a girl that even does believe in God now-a-days. All I know is that it is no fun being alone and man was not created to be without a partner. This world turns dark and cold with out that someone special to share things with.
Best wishes, Josh